Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

About to dance my feet silly!

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down

What did one DNA say to the other DNA? Do these genes make me look fat?

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.

I wanted to take a bath, but then decided to leave it where it is.

I’d tell you a pizza joke, but it’s probably too cheesy

try not to tell dad jokes, but when I do, he thinks they’re funny.